All My Delight

Today I read Mark 1:40-45. This is where the leper approaches Jesus with faith that Jesus can heal him and make him clean again, and Jesus does. He takes away the man's disease and makes him whole.

WOW.

I have struggles, issues...things I deal with on a consistent basis that interrupt my walk with Christ. We all do, it's human nature. But I realized how much I rely on my own strength to get through those moments secretly knowing that I can't. I excuse it, because - well, I'm only human. I'm trying to cheat the system. In those moments of darkness, when sin is creeping into my life - where I am turning? Am I fully surrendering to God and asking him to help and to heal me? Or am I allowing myself to fall into the same traps over and over again because it's easier and the path of least resistance. Change is hard - it's SO hard. And admitting that I cannot fight these battles alone - that my own strength is simply NOT enough is something I've been unable to fully do. There's no cheating God's system - it's a perfect system! He knows we can't do it alone, and He's waiting for us to turn towards him in complete and full surrender.

On my way to work this morning, I was rocking out to a little Hillsong United and enjoying the sunshine that has finally arrived - and the phrase "All my delight is in you Lord" stopped me dead in my tracks. Well, I was driving so that's not exactly what happened, but I stopped singing along and thought about that phrase. ALL MY DELIGHT??? ALL OF IT? That's a pretty bold statement. I mean, sure I have delight in the Lord on Sundays when I get to sing on stage with the band and when I know the people of Crosspoint are worshipping along side of us. I delight in the Lord on Wednesday nights at my Small Group when I'm surrounded by friends. I delight in Him on Thursday nights when I'm rehearsing with the band and we're singing His praise. I delight in Him when the weather is sunny and warm and I feel happy. But is ALL of my delight in Him? I'd be lying if I said it were. Am I delighting in Him when I feel broken and confused? Do I delight in Him when I see no end in sight to my single parenting journey? Or when I sit down in my office at work and complain with my coworkers about the company...you see where I'm going with this. I started thinking about where my delight comes from. What are the things that I seek out to make me happy? We live in a world of immediate gratification, temporary fixes, band aids, and enough "medication" to numb even the most painful emotions.

A few weeks ago, after I posted my blog, a friend of mine asked me why I would blog about that stuff and post it for everyone to read. It was an off handed comment that really got me thinking...because it never occured to me NOT to post it. In fact, I found it completely strange that anyone would even ask that question. When you're excited about something - really really excited - don't you want to tell your friends about that? If the absolute best thing in the entire world just happened to you - I don't know, maybe you won a million dollars - wouldn't you share that information excitedly with everyone? So if all of our delight is supposed to be in the Lord WHY would I not be just as excited about my interactions with Him? Of course I'm excited! Of course I'm going to shout it (or blog it) as loudly as I can! Every day we are given blessings by the Lord - every.single.day. It's true - EVERY day you experience His love, and yet so many of us keep that to ourselves. We don't share it, we don't talk about our journeys, our struggles, our triumphs. In developing true community, true and authentic relationships...that's exactly what we NEED to do! For years I struggled with recognizing God's presence in my life. I had no idea what it might look like, feel like, be like - and hearing other people's stories of their relationship with God always pushed me to keep searching for that. If it was possible for someone else, it surely would be possible for me. And I feel like I'm coming to a point in my life where I AM recognizing it, and that's absolutely a result of developing honest, true and authentic relationships with genuine yet broken people who relentlessly pursue Christ and are not ashamed of talking openly about it. So today I prayed to God that I get through THIS very day delighting in Him and only Him. That my mind and heart will remain pure and open and I will be focused on Him. I will continue to strive to delight in Him, and I'll probably continue to blog about it too ;)

Awesome...

On my somewhat new-ish journey in Christianity, I hear certain terms and phrases thrown around that frustrate the living you know what right out of me. :) I'm a very tactile person, and this vague concept or idea that God listens to me and provides for my needs even if they're not exactly what I think I need pretty much drives me nuts. I would pray for things and never EVER feel like God was giving me direction. I felt like I was praying into the universe and sometimes I really thought this had to be some kind of serious joke. Like someone, someday would find out the whole Christianity thing had been made up, and it was the longest running joke ever.

While it may seem kind of funny, I can promise you I was beyond frustrated. I was angry. If God was a loving Father, why so much mystery? Why so much quiet? Why so much WAITING? I mean heck, if Logan asked me a question I'm sure not going to wait until next month to give him my answer. But honestly, for the last year or so I kept persevering. I kept begging God to open my heart to Him...that I KNEW He MUST be listening to me, and providing for me, or leading me down certain paths and that I was very saddened that for whatever reason, I just could not see it. I wanted to KNOW without a shadow of a doubt, but I had SO.MANY.DOUBTS. And I felt like with a heart that felt hardened at times, and with a mind full of doubts it surely would be impossible for Him to reach me, no matter how much I wanted it.

But I sit here today feeling VERY sure that God listens and provides for me. I have no doubt that God led me to the church I attend, Crosspoint - because the people and friendships I've met and made have changed and saved my life. I know that sounds dramatic, but take it from the girl who was at rock bottom for the 42nd time. Meeting a family of people who never judged, always loved and accepted and gently prodded me towards Christ...well, it really did change who I am and how I view the world, Christianity included. Time and time again I'm amazed at the people I am fortunate enough to call friends, and am so grateful for their presence in my life - for their acceptance of my past, my mistakes - for their interest in my son and their willingness to love him and care for him and gently prod him down a path towards Christ as well.

Today, our management and ownership team sat down with all of us from work and informed us that we would all be receiving a mandatory pay cut. We had 2 options - a 10% salary reduction or a 20% salary reduction and one day off a week. At first I was just really relieved that they weren't letting any more people go. The reality of it didn't set in until a little later in the day - and then I began to freak out. I already live week to week - I'm pretty much the sole provider for a family (albeit a tiny one), and I stretch as much as I can. I could see no way that a 10% reduction in pay would not dramatically impact my life for the worse. Not worse as in less cushy fun stuff...worse as in, I may not be able to pay my rent for April, as the pay cut is effective immediately. I became really anxious and stressed out. My mind was reeling with all of the possible implications. I wasn't sure which option would be best...would I save in daycare and gas costs by taking the day off with a 20% cut, or would working my normal schedule and taking the 10% reduction be the best option. Should I look for a p/t job on that 1 day a week off? In the midst of all this freaking out and panicking, I stopped myself and reminded myself to give thanks to God that I still had a job when so many do not. I asked God to help calm my fears and to show me how best to work with what I have.

I still was freaking out. I'm not going to lie. But throughout the day, I just kept taking deep breaths and asking God to guide me to the best decision for my life. I asked him over and over to calm my fears and bring me peace. My sister sent me the following thoughts from the devotional she'd read that day, "You have Me on your side, so what are you worried about? I can equip you to do absolutely anything, as long as it is My will. The more difficult your day, the more I yearn to help you. Anxiety wraps you up in yourself, trapping you in your own thoughts. When you look to Me and whisper My Name, you break free and receive My help. Focus on Me, you will find Peace in My Presence."

How awesome is that? And how true? Now for the good part...

My boss had asked me earlier in the day if I would talk to them about my decision. I said I needed more time to think about it (and to collect myself as I knew I would most definitely break down in a big puddle of tears over it). But near the end of the day, they pulled me aside, and although I tried once again to put it off until tomorrow they insisted they speak with me. Inside my manager's office, they explained the reasoning behind the pay reductions, how they were trying to save jobs and not have to lay people off...all of the reasoning I know and understand...and then they said they knew that there were different dynamics in the office and that this would be especially hard on me as a single Mom. That they would like to propose that I have NO reduction in pay, but be willing to take on 2 nights a week as the on call phone supervisor for the office. What this will require is for me to have a work cell phone twice a week that people call after hours if they have questions or emergencies they need addressed immediately. I've done it before, but gave it up because it was difficult to do and still feel like I was devoting enough time and attention to Logan. So while it is not the most ideal situation, it is an ENORMOUS blessing for my life. I gladly jumped at their proposal - taking on extra work but keeping my salary the same...probably a few months ago I would have been very upset over such a "proposal" This time around though, I had a much different perspective.

I am fortunate and blessed - and although things are not easy for me, and although my job is demanding and I am seriously underpaid (ha...) I am SO blessed to have it. This was a HUGE answer to a prayer...and one that happened FAST. (Thanks to God, for not testing my faith out for the next few months on this one...) :) I left the office feeling like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders - and was reminded once again, that God does answer prayers. That He does listen - and although everytime may not turn out just like this particular one...He has a plan for us and if we trust enough, over time that plan will be revealed to us.

If you've hung in there long enough to read this whole thing, someone must be paying you...

Seriously though - as I drove home, feeling simultaneously exhilarated and emotionally exhausted, the words to a song kept floating through my head. I could never have found the words to express my gratitude and amazement - but this seems to sum up my feelings and thoughts exactly...as only Hillsong United knows how!


What can I say
What can I do
But offer this heart O God
Completely to You

So I'll stand
With arms high and heart abandoned
In awe of the One who gave it all

Psssssssst...

God listens. :)