Awesome...
On my somewhat new-ish journey in Christianity, I hear certain terms and phrases thrown around that frustrate the living you know what right out of me. :) I'm a very tactile person, and this vague concept or idea that God listens to me and provides for my needs even if they're not exactly what I think I need pretty much drives me nuts. I would pray for things and never EVER feel like God was giving me direction. I felt like I was praying into the universe and sometimes I really thought this had to be some kind of serious joke. Like someone, someday would find out the whole Christianity thing had been made up, and it was the longest running joke ever.
While it may seem kind of funny, I can promise you I was beyond frustrated. I was angry. If God was a loving Father, why so much mystery? Why so much quiet? Why so much WAITING? I mean heck, if Logan asked me a question I'm sure not going to wait until next month to give him my answer. But honestly, for the last year or so I kept persevering. I kept begging God to open my heart to Him...that I KNEW He MUST be listening to me, and providing for me, or leading me down certain paths and that I was very saddened that for whatever reason, I just could not see it. I wanted to KNOW without a shadow of a doubt, but I had SO.MANY.DOUBTS. And I felt like with a heart that felt hardened at times, and with a mind full of doubts it surely would be impossible for Him to reach me, no matter how much I wanted it.
But I sit here today feeling VERY sure that God listens and provides for me. I have no doubt that God led me to the church I attend, Crosspoint - because the people and friendships I've met and made have changed and saved my life. I know that sounds dramatic, but take it from the girl who was at rock bottom for the 42nd time. Meeting a family of people who never judged, always loved and accepted and gently prodded me towards Christ...well, it really did change who I am and how I view the world, Christianity included. Time and time again I'm amazed at the people I am fortunate enough to call friends, and am so grateful for their presence in my life - for their acceptance of my past, my mistakes - for their interest in my son and their willingness to love him and care for him and gently prod him down a path towards Christ as well.
Today, our management and ownership team sat down with all of us from work and informed us that we would all be receiving a mandatory pay cut. We had 2 options - a 10% salary reduction or a 20% salary reduction and one day off a week. At first I was just really relieved that they weren't letting any more people go. The reality of it didn't set in until a little later in the day - and then I began to freak out. I already live week to week - I'm pretty much the sole provider for a family (albeit a tiny one), and I stretch as much as I can. I could see no way that a 10% reduction in pay would not dramatically impact my life for the worse. Not worse as in less cushy fun stuff...worse as in, I may not be able to pay my rent for April, as the pay cut is effective immediately. I became really anxious and stressed out. My mind was reeling with all of the possible implications. I wasn't sure which option would be best...would I save in daycare and gas costs by taking the day off with a 20% cut, or would working my normal schedule and taking the 10% reduction be the best option. Should I look for a p/t job on that 1 day a week off? In the midst of all this freaking out and panicking, I stopped myself and reminded myself to give thanks to God that I still had a job when so many do not. I asked God to help calm my fears and to show me how best to work with what I have.
I still was freaking out. I'm not going to lie. But throughout the day, I just kept taking deep breaths and asking God to guide me to the best decision for my life. I asked him over and over to calm my fears and bring me peace. My sister sent me the following thoughts from the devotional she'd read that day, "You have Me on your side, so what are you worried about? I can equip you to do absolutely anything, as long as it is My will. The more difficult your day, the more I yearn to help you. Anxiety wraps you up in yourself, trapping you in your own thoughts. When you look to Me and whisper My Name, you break free and receive My help. Focus on Me, you will find Peace in My Presence."
How awesome is that? And how true? Now for the good part...
My boss had asked me earlier in the day if I would talk to them about my decision. I said I needed more time to think about it (and to collect myself as I knew I would most definitely break down in a big puddle of tears over it). But near the end of the day, they pulled me aside, and although I tried once again to put it off until tomorrow they insisted they speak with me. Inside my manager's office, they explained the reasoning behind the pay reductions, how they were trying to save jobs and not have to lay people off...all of the reasoning I know and understand...and then they said they knew that there were different dynamics in the office and that this would be especially hard on me as a single Mom. That they would like to propose that I have NO reduction in pay, but be willing to take on 2 nights a week as the on call phone supervisor for the office. What this will require is for me to have a work cell phone twice a week that people call after hours if they have questions or emergencies they need addressed immediately. I've done it before, but gave it up because it was difficult to do and still feel like I was devoting enough time and attention to Logan. So while it is not the most ideal situation, it is an ENORMOUS blessing for my life. I gladly jumped at their proposal - taking on extra work but keeping my salary the same...probably a few months ago I would have been very upset over such a "proposal" This time around though, I had a much different perspective.
I am fortunate and blessed - and although things are not easy for me, and although my job is demanding and I am seriously underpaid (ha...) I am SO blessed to have it. This was a HUGE answer to a prayer...and one that happened FAST. (Thanks to God, for not testing my faith out for the next few months on this one...) :) I left the office feeling like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders - and was reminded once again, that God does answer prayers. That He does listen - and although everytime may not turn out just like this particular one...He has a plan for us and if we trust enough, over time that plan will be revealed to us.
If you've hung in there long enough to read this whole thing, someone must be paying you...
Seriously though - as I drove home, feeling simultaneously exhilarated and emotionally exhausted, the words to a song kept floating through my head. I could never have found the words to express my gratitude and amazement - but this seems to sum up my feelings and thoughts exactly...as only Hillsong United knows how!
What can I say
What can I do
But offer this heart O God
Completely to You
So I'll stand
With arms high and heart abandoned
In awe of the One who gave it all
While it may seem kind of funny, I can promise you I was beyond frustrated. I was angry. If God was a loving Father, why so much mystery? Why so much quiet? Why so much WAITING? I mean heck, if Logan asked me a question I'm sure not going to wait until next month to give him my answer. But honestly, for the last year or so I kept persevering. I kept begging God to open my heart to Him...that I KNEW He MUST be listening to me, and providing for me, or leading me down certain paths and that I was very saddened that for whatever reason, I just could not see it. I wanted to KNOW without a shadow of a doubt, but I had SO.MANY.DOUBTS. And I felt like with a heart that felt hardened at times, and with a mind full of doubts it surely would be impossible for Him to reach me, no matter how much I wanted it.
But I sit here today feeling VERY sure that God listens and provides for me. I have no doubt that God led me to the church I attend, Crosspoint - because the people and friendships I've met and made have changed and saved my life. I know that sounds dramatic, but take it from the girl who was at rock bottom for the 42nd time. Meeting a family of people who never judged, always loved and accepted and gently prodded me towards Christ...well, it really did change who I am and how I view the world, Christianity included. Time and time again I'm amazed at the people I am fortunate enough to call friends, and am so grateful for their presence in my life - for their acceptance of my past, my mistakes - for their interest in my son and their willingness to love him and care for him and gently prod him down a path towards Christ as well.
Today, our management and ownership team sat down with all of us from work and informed us that we would all be receiving a mandatory pay cut. We had 2 options - a 10% salary reduction or a 20% salary reduction and one day off a week. At first I was just really relieved that they weren't letting any more people go. The reality of it didn't set in until a little later in the day - and then I began to freak out. I already live week to week - I'm pretty much the sole provider for a family (albeit a tiny one), and I stretch as much as I can. I could see no way that a 10% reduction in pay would not dramatically impact my life for the worse. Not worse as in less cushy fun stuff...worse as in, I may not be able to pay my rent for April, as the pay cut is effective immediately. I became really anxious and stressed out. My mind was reeling with all of the possible implications. I wasn't sure which option would be best...would I save in daycare and gas costs by taking the day off with a 20% cut, or would working my normal schedule and taking the 10% reduction be the best option. Should I look for a p/t job on that 1 day a week off? In the midst of all this freaking out and panicking, I stopped myself and reminded myself to give thanks to God that I still had a job when so many do not. I asked God to help calm my fears and to show me how best to work with what I have.
I still was freaking out. I'm not going to lie. But throughout the day, I just kept taking deep breaths and asking God to guide me to the best decision for my life. I asked him over and over to calm my fears and bring me peace. My sister sent me the following thoughts from the devotional she'd read that day, "You have Me on your side, so what are you worried about? I can equip you to do absolutely anything, as long as it is My will. The more difficult your day, the more I yearn to help you. Anxiety wraps you up in yourself, trapping you in your own thoughts. When you look to Me and whisper My Name, you break free and receive My help. Focus on Me, you will find Peace in My Presence."
How awesome is that? And how true? Now for the good part...
My boss had asked me earlier in the day if I would talk to them about my decision. I said I needed more time to think about it (and to collect myself as I knew I would most definitely break down in a big puddle of tears over it). But near the end of the day, they pulled me aside, and although I tried once again to put it off until tomorrow they insisted they speak with me. Inside my manager's office, they explained the reasoning behind the pay reductions, how they were trying to save jobs and not have to lay people off...all of the reasoning I know and understand...and then they said they knew that there were different dynamics in the office and that this would be especially hard on me as a single Mom. That they would like to propose that I have NO reduction in pay, but be willing to take on 2 nights a week as the on call phone supervisor for the office. What this will require is for me to have a work cell phone twice a week that people call after hours if they have questions or emergencies they need addressed immediately. I've done it before, but gave it up because it was difficult to do and still feel like I was devoting enough time and attention to Logan. So while it is not the most ideal situation, it is an ENORMOUS blessing for my life. I gladly jumped at their proposal - taking on extra work but keeping my salary the same...probably a few months ago I would have been very upset over such a "proposal" This time around though, I had a much different perspective.
I am fortunate and blessed - and although things are not easy for me, and although my job is demanding and I am seriously underpaid (ha...) I am SO blessed to have it. This was a HUGE answer to a prayer...and one that happened FAST. (Thanks to God, for not testing my faith out for the next few months on this one...) :) I left the office feeling like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders - and was reminded once again, that God does answer prayers. That He does listen - and although everytime may not turn out just like this particular one...He has a plan for us and if we trust enough, over time that plan will be revealed to us.
If you've hung in there long enough to read this whole thing, someone must be paying you...
Seriously though - as I drove home, feeling simultaneously exhilarated and emotionally exhausted, the words to a song kept floating through my head. I could never have found the words to express my gratitude and amazement - but this seems to sum up my feelings and thoughts exactly...as only Hillsong United knows how!
What can I say
What can I do
But offer this heart O God
Completely to You
So I'll stand
With arms high and heart abandoned
In awe of the One who gave it all
posted by Miranda at
5:30 PM
2 Comments:
Miranda -
I am soo thankful that God revealed himself to you in this way! The things He has provided for you - even though you have to work twice as hard - are little reminders that He is providing your needs and that you do have Him on your side!!! This was a better answer to prayer than any solution Jon and I were trying to brainstorm about...because there is NO explanation for it except God's provision!!!! Please let me know if I can help out with Logan anytime you have to work extra!!! :) I am PROUD and HUMBLED that I am one of your friends!!!! LOVE and HUGS to you!!!
You are so sweet :) Thank you for your kind words and prayers!!
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