You have a baby...in a job interview...

I feel pretty fortunate in today's economy to HAVE a job. So it surprises me to watch how other people conduct themselves during the application/interview/orientation process. In my job, I have the privilege of hiring individuals - and I am constantly surprised at what people think is actually acceptable behavior.

The following is a list I have been compiling in my head for awhile on things you SHOULD do if you DO NOT want to be hired. (Especially at my company)

• Show up with your baby. This is a really good idea, as every office needs a crying child, a rambunctious toddler or a stressed out mother shouting at her child to sit still.
• Show up with your Mom, Dad, Sister, Brother, Boyfriend, Grandmother, Personal Trainer, Dog, Bus Driver, favorite Walmart cashier... There is nothing that screams professional like bringing along someone to sit there and stare at the wall while you complete an application.
• Wear curlers. This is a good idea for obvious reasons. Every employer NEEDS to know what you look like straight outta bed. Right?
• Wear slippers. Again, a great idea for the above reasons. We wouldn't want to assume you are put together, responsible and take pride in your appearance. That'd be silly.
• Talk on your cell phone while you fill out the application. For even better results, talk dirty to someone on the other end. It's a good idea for the prospective employer to REALLY get to know who you are.
• Blatantly ignore all of the requirements listed on the front page of the application. We were just kidding when we said you needed to be over the age of 21, have a valid driver license and pass a criminal background check. Even if you were just arrested for assault, go ahead and fill that application out anyway. There's no way we really mean what we say.
• Show up late for your interview. Be insulted and offended if the recruiter can't interview you because she has another interview or meeting to be at. It's not YOUR fault you overslept or took the wrong exit.
• Show up late for orientation. Then show up late for subsequent training sessions. When we stress the importance of punctuality, you can ignore that. Clearly we're just jokin with ya!
• Steal or lie. Then yell and scream curse words at the employer. Threaten their very lives.
• Wear your best clubbing outfits. We love to see your cleavage, 6 inch stilletos, and short skirts - nothing says "Loves to work with seniors" more than that!
• If your best clubbing outfit is dirty, throw on a pair of jeans. Flip flops are an especially nice touch.
• Get lost on the way to the office. Call for directions. Hang up. Call back for clarification on directions. Ask if the person answering the phone knows where you are. Tell her that you are at a stop sign, near a McDonald's and that you see lots of construction. You can even tell her you are near a brick building. Repeat 14 times before you GET to the office.
• Wear a t shirt with an offensive statement on the front. This shows us that you are a warm, caring and sympathetic individual who will most assuredly work well with our vulnerable, conservative older clientele.
• During your interview, make sure to give lots of personal information about your last divorce, first husband, baby daddy (or daddies) or the falling out you had with your daughter.
• When asked why you are interested in the position, tell the interviewer you just need extra money. This helps us feel VERY confident in your motives.
• Please mispronounce words. This is especially important as it shows us you have no idea what you're talking about. It's really impressive if you mispronounce words that directly relate to the industry you are applying to. Hearing about your experience with Oltimer's makes me want to hire you on the spot!
• Fail the drug screening. When informed that you failed, act surprised and shout, "IEATALOTTAPOPPYSEEDS" or blame the positive result on your wife/boyfriend/sister/friend who smokes a lot of pot and sits right next to you while doing so.
• When you listen to the recruiter's voicemail message, make sure to do exactly what it tells you not to do. Acknowledge that you heard it, and know you're not supposed to but that you thought you would anyway. This shows us you are ready and willing to follow directions!

I think that by following these simple rules, you will guarantee a spot in the rejection letter mailing list. You can thank me later by calling to harrass me about why an offer for employment was not extended. Good Luck!