There's no avoiding this...

Ok loyal readers. I've tried to avoid really digging in and letting you inside my head but honestly, it's too hard. I have too many mental roadblocks when trying to blog from a secular, neutral, unbiased place. And that's not really me. If you know me well, you know I enjoy debate, talks about life and discussions on God. (cue music: Tell me all your thoughts on God...)

So my apologies, but I gotta be myself here.

The past few days have been really rough for me. I'm not even exactly sure why. I know the economy sucks, and I have so many friends who have been laid off - I am so fortunate to even have the job that I have. Going further, I'm fortunate to have a place to live that is warm and comfortable. I have a car to drive that gets me to work and back and even allows for some fun trips in between all that. I have clothes to wear, groceries to eat, a fun little cell phone to text message on and some other piddly little gadgets to play with. It probably appears that I have much to be thankful for. AND I DO. Don't get me wrong - while I may not live in the lap of luxury, I'm not destitute or homeless. My child is not going hungry every night and we're not sleeping in our car. America is a blessed land, even with the current economic crisis. And while people are losing jobs, many are still able to have basic needs met and that is SO much more than we can say for those in other countries. Let's be honest, we are rich. We are. So why have I been so down? Why do I feel such a lack of gratitude?

It seems that my brain has gone on strike. It's not participating in my life these days, so I'd like a refund. There are SO many things I want to do in my life, so many obstacles I'd like to overcome, goals I'd like to attain. But holy roadblocks, Batman. If it's not one thing, it's another. I know you all understand - I know it's not just me running headfirst into those glass doors hiding around every corner. Lately, it's all I can do to get myself and Logan out the door. I trudge through the day feeling exhausted and sad, and just wait until I can drive home. I wander around grocery stores feeling distracted and unhappy, so absolutely tired from just living my life. It seems parenthood wasn't really designed for one person to shoulder the burden. Go figure. It seems God has this perfect design that includes TWO people to bear the responsibility of raising a little one. And dammit if that doesn't make me pissed off at myself for making poor choices in my past. But here I am with an incredible, beautiful, amazing son who requires and demands SO MUCH of me. As well he should...he's just your normal 8 year old boy wanting to live an 8 year old boy life. But sometimes, my brain can't handle it. Sometimes my body can't handle it. And most of the time, my heart can't handle it. So I wonder if this is going to be my life? Trudging through the day, exhausted and confused - aggravated at all the roadblocks, begging for just one day to be stress free? I wonder if I'll be the one responsible for the decision making, money earning, child raising stuff EVERY.DAY.FOR.THE.REST.OF.MY.LIFE?

I believe God meant for there to be a whole and complete family unit. I really do. I know that my choices led me to be living in the midst of a broken one. I understand that. And I also comprehend on many levels that for a single mama, I'm doing ok. I have more than some. But if you would have shown me this life 10 years ago I wouldn't have believed I would be living it.

Amidst the turmoil, the stress and the tears I do find joy in Logan every single day. I do not wish for a second to change my past, because his presence in my life is an absolute blessing. I don't have regrets about where I've been or what I've done. What I'm trying to figure out really, is how to relentlessly pursue a God that will bring me peace. And that happens to be a fight every step of the way. There are a lot of voices in my head bringing me down! (Meds, anyone?) But seriously, as with seemingly everything else in my life - my path to being a Christ follower is one step forward and two steps back. Something's gotta give, yo. I mean it. My little head (ok it's kind of a big head) can't take much more of it. And my conscience can't take much more of me feeling sorry for myself.