accidentally on purpose...

Once a cheater, always a cheater...

2009-07-07T21:39:00.001-04:00

I'm cheating on you, blogspot.

It's wordpress for me, from here on out.

Don't be mad. It's nothing personal, I promise.

Check out my new fun wordpresstastic blog here.

Come on now...what'd you THINK this post was about??

My Legacy?

2009-06-24T10:18:00.004-04:00

I have a love/hate relationship with summer. I love summer because I love sunshine, and long hours of daylight. I love the pool, I love getting a tan, I love FlavorIce popsicles, iced coffee and weekend trips. I hate summer because Logan is gone, and it leaves me endless hours to think and be still. And thinking and being still generally translates into a loneliness that hits you deep from inside and makes your heart physically hurt. I spend a lot of time feeling sad and generally hopeless and guilty about the role I've played in this unusual and abnormal childhood that Logan has no choice but to participate in. I'm reading a book given to me by my Pastor's wife, called My Single Mom Life. So far, I haven't been able to read through a single page without the tears blurring my vision. It's so therapeutic to read words that I myself could have written and to know that there is indeed another Mom out there that knows exactly what I feel and have felt.

In the book, the author (Angela Thomas in case you're interested) quotes Donald Miller (author of Blue Like Jazz and To Own a Dragon). Donald Miller was raised by a single mother, and I picked up his To Own a Dragon book once to see what the child of a single mother would have to say. I got a chapter or two in before I had to put it away. It was too painful to read, knowing that his thoughts and feelings would one day be Logan's. The passage that Angela quoted is the following, "She mothered herself into exhaustion. Weekdays, Mom would work late, often coming home right around our bedtime, and even then we were all too tired to act like a family. I knew, somehow, that my mother's long working hours were because of my sister and me. But I never thought to ascribe my mother's emotional and physical exhaustion to the lack of a husband and father, rather, I ascribed it to my existence. There were times, I confess, I wondered if my family would be better off without me. I grew up believing that if I had never been born, things would be easier for the people I loved."

Talk about knocking the wind out of a person. I don't think I took a breath for a solid minute. I can't stop thinking about it. I can't stop wondering if Logan will someday feel this. I have often heard the phrase, "Live in the moment". I know, without even thinking about it, that I don't. I don't live in the moment at all. I haven't warranted myself that luxury. My mind is running a hundred miles an hour planning, plotting, budgeting, concocting, worrying, crying out to God for relief. I know I'm the Mom who absentmindedly mumbles while Logan excitedly tells me about reaching the next level on a video game, or tells me about his favorite race car. This is not the Mom I want to be. I want to listen, even if I don't understand or relate to a single word said. I want to stare at his beautiful face, really SEE those little dimples and HEAR everything. I want to internalize it, I want to ask questions, I want to learn about what he loves. But I can't, because I'm trying to figure out how to stretch my paycheck so the groceries are bought, the power bill is paid and old shoes can be replaced. It's so exhausting.

I want to be able to trust that God will provide for us daily. That maybe I don't know where next week's groceries are coming from, but to be content in what I have today. I have failed at this miserably. I can't do it. I have absolutely no idea HOW to do it, when there is a child totally dependent on me to take care of him. Worry has become my middle name. It is my modus operandi. And just when I think surely the stress can't get anymore - that relief must be coming in some form, it doesn't. It gets worse. I'm not exaggerating, it truly does. My friend Rachel was so kindly allowing me to vent yesterday about my anger with God. How I have lived for 10 years with this unbearable amount of stress. How I would love for some of that to go away. I'm not asking for the nicest car or newest house. I don't care about fancy jewelry or expensive manicures. But gosh, would it be nice to have someone else to take out the garbage. Or to remember to pay the water bill. How it would be nice just not to be so darn exhausted every second of every day. She told me it would be helpful if I started keeping a list of my blessings. I thought about this. And you know what I said? (CONE OF SAFETY HERE, PLEASE) I want some fun blessings. I do. I know that's selfish and juvenille and not at all what I SHOULD say...but it's true. Yes I am blessed to be able to feed and clothe my child. I'm blessed we have a house to live in. I'm blessed to have a vehicle that drives me to work and back. But some fun blessings sprinkled in there would be a welcome addition. I'd love to be able to take a vacation. A real, honest to goodness stay in a hotel and sit on the beach vacation. Or maybe have a 4 door car. (Look, it's a pain to drive a 2 door and have a child) It'd be nice to just once pay full price for something, and not wait until it goes on 75% off clearance. It'd be wonderful to sleep in ONE day. How does a person rejuvinate themselves to the point they can BE in the moment, when it's all they can do to simply put one foot in front of the other? These are selfish expectations and they are things I have no right wanting or demanding from God. I recognize this. But I want more for my life, and I want more for my son. I want time with him before it's too late. I want to be able to attend his field days and pj parties at school. I want to spend a weekend on vacation with him somewhere, making memories he will never forget.

I am worried about the legacy I am leaving for my child. The legacy of a Mom who is absent and tired and constantly stressed. A Mom who can never, ever throw caution to the wind and be spontaneous. I know I am not the only person out there who feels this. I know there are married people who surely feel similar. What struck me last night, after reading Don Miller's words was that something had to change. Right now, right here, I have to start chipping away at my life and becoming a better Mother. One who is not constantly reactive, but proactive and one that has time and energy for her son.

6 of the scariest words ever...

2009-06-17T14:04:00.003-04:00

-Please-

-Enter-

-Your-

-Billing-

-Zip-

-Code-

Ok, seriously? My billing zip code? Apparently automated phone system robotic voice man/woman does not understand my LIFE ADD issues, OR the fact that I change cities/banks/jobs/addresses constantly. Remembering a billing zip code for an account I set up makes me panic. Is it my Orlando zip? The Charlotte one? If Charlotte, WHICH zip code? There are several!

Too much stress.

I get by with a little help from my friends...

2009-06-06T10:16:00.003-04:00

I'm pretty sure there is nothing better than a Saturday morning that includes Land of a Thousand Hills coffee. It is my new favorite coffee - at approximately $11 a bag, it better be amazing. (It is)

http://www.landof1000hills.com/

Anyway - I've neglected my blogging the last few weeks. I really haven't had anything exciting or important to share - and honestly, I'm not sure I do today either. We are about 6 days from the annual trip to Vermont where I fly with Logan to drop him off with his Dad for the entire summer. This time of year is always met with bittersweet emotion. It is with great anxiety and panic that I send my child to live for 3 months 900 and something miles away from me. I am entrusting his care and well being to a man I don't even know that well anymore and it's a strange and sad feeling. On the other hand, Logan loves spending his summers in Vermont with his grandparents and cousins on his Dad's side, and always has a blast. He comes back full of smiles and stories - and if this year is anything like last, a mohawk. :) Plus, it does give me some time to recharge my batteries, enjoy a little freedom to hang out with friends, take weekend road trips or even run to the grocery store in the middle of the night if I feel like it.

It is bizarre to me that in the fall, my little Beaner will be entering 3rd grade. I vividly remember the first sonogram I had, at about 7 weeks pregnant...seeing that tiny little Bean like thing on the screen was mind boggling, scary and a little bit crazy. And now he's this tall, lanky, smiley thing with a love of skateboards and video games and I can't figure out how we got this far. This past year has been a year of startling discovery about myself, about God and about life. I've been seeing a counselor for probably about a year now, and there has been a lot of good advice he's shared with me. During one session, I was expressing my frustration with relationships - of all kinds, not just the romantic. I was aggravated over something that had happened with a friend and he told me that in order to develop true and genuine relationships with people, you have to accept and understand that people will hurt you. That letting people in means ultimately, something will go wrong at some point. It's not that people are BAD by nature, but everyone makes mistakes. I thought about this for a long time and I realized he was very right. I have kept so many people at a safe distance because I am so tired of being used and trampled on. But in the process, I have cut myself off from the possibility of knowing true intimacy on all levels (again, not just the romantic :D )

I have worked really hard at forgiving, and at trusting. And you know, a crazy thing has happened. I've been floored on an almost daily basis at the friendships I am fortunate enough to participate in. Friends that will drop everything to help. People who will give of their time, energy and resources if I need it. People who genuinely want what's best for me and are willing to get messy and involved in my life to help me better myself. I've discovered that there are people out there that don't think I'm a loser because I'm a single Mom or think I'm a failure because of where I'm at in life. I have discovered people who are open to helping me, to loving on my son, to offer advice and encouragement or just an ear for listening when I'm defeated and exhausted.

I wish I could list them all here, but for fear of forgetting someone, I won't. I just pray that you know who you are, that you know the extent of my gratitude and understand what joy and comfort you all have brought into my life. In moments of my darkest and deepest despair, many of you have lifted me up without even knowing it. So thank you dear friends, for your unwavering support and unconditional love.

Blame It On The Rain

2009-05-17T20:09:00.005-04:00

It's eerily silent in my house - child playing quietly in his room, puppy curled up next to me on the couch sleeping. All I can hear is the rain outside, and it's making me think.

Seriously, what's with me and all this thinking?

You know, last week when I watched the Grey's Anatomy season finale I was really mad that I was single. No, not because the whole episode was about just letting go of fear and telling people that you love them. No, not because people were getting hurt and dying. But because when the most shocking thing I've seen happen on a TV show occurred, THERE WAS NO ONE AROUND TO GASP IN HORROR WITH ME. No fun, gasping in horror alone in your living room. In fact, you kind of feel like an idiot.

One other thing I thought of this week that makes me mad I'm single.

I have to kill all the bugs. I mean, that's not even fair. I hate bugs. Bugs are to be killed by big, strong men. And all you girl power feminists out there can just shut it. Because bugs are gross and crawly and slimy and they scurry and I'm just tired of killing them. On a more positive note, Raid now makes an ant killer that smells like Lemon Pledge. No lie. Wonder what kind of toxic chemicals now fill the air, innocently masked in a luscious citrus scent?

I guess what I'm trying to say is, when I start dating again I'm hoping to find a Grey's Anatomy loving, super bug killing guy to spend my days with. I am pretty sure this is not going to be difficult to find ;)

PS - thank you to all my friends, who wholeheartedly assure me that I am not (yet) a cougar!

Reason No. 4389210 I love my child...

2009-05-13T09:14:00.003-04:00

This letter was in my mailbox, actually addressed to me in a strange looking envelope with writing I didn't quiiiite recognize. Not only that, but the letter had the wrong house number and zip code. First I thought it might be some kind of ransom letter or something :) Then I thought the writing did look a little like Logan's. So I opened it up, and read the following sweet message:

Sometimes, being a Mom is basically the best thing ever. :)

Goulash Musings

2009-05-11T13:27:00.008-04:00

2 weeks ago, I was given a homework assignment. And I did it that very night! So proud. Where was this motivation when I was being graded?? This was more of a life will be better for you if you do this homework assignment. BIG thanks to my counselor who assigned me the dreaded task that I have been avoiding for months. (even if he keeps assigning me homework tasks that I loathe). Also big thanks to my friend Rachel who I confided in and forced to walk me through the entire process step by baby step. :) And since then, it's honestly like I can see clearly (cue bad rendition of I Can See Clearly Now).
30 and I are fighting. I'm just angry with 30, really. Because 30 didn't ask my permission to take away the ability of fitting into my favorite jeans. And 30 did not tell me that I would be ready for bed by 8pm. 30 didn't tell me that suddenly, I will need to drink a gallon of water after ONE slice of stupid pizza. And 30 ALSO forgot to inform me that it's not nearly as fun to say as 25. So for those reasons (and SO many more...)we are fighting.
I'm not giving up my Diet Dr. Pepper. I don't care what you say.
It has taken me 8 months and 5 days to return to what is pretty close to my natural hair color after a wild and occasionally bumpy ride to brunette-hood. It's nice to be back to myself. I'm going to try really hard to never take my natural blonde coloring for granted again. Buuuut...I can't promise much.
I've been super struggling with the concept of talent. I'll pretty much corner anyone who will listen and demand the answer to why God would give me the ability to sing decently but not give me the ability to sing like Brooke Fraser. Listen HERE . I mean, what a rip off, right? Last week I had this kind of revelation that smacks you in the face. And it was basically that I'm here for one purpose, and one only and that's to praise and worship God. And I can be tone deaf and still do that - so my ability and level of talent is not what matters. What matters is that I do it.
Truth be told, I miss my puppy's cute little face while I'm at work. Then I get home and she chews something up or pees on my floor and I want to string her upside down from her cute little puppy paws.
I am still staring at a guitar my parents gave me for Christmas. I haven't even picked it up once to tune it. And that makes me mad at myself, because I have wanted to learn how to play for years.
I started to get sucked into a super bad reality show last night called The Jersey Shore. Halfway through, I wondered why I was fighting sleep to watch a few trashy chicks throw back tequila shots like water. So I shut it off and went to bed. I triumph over you, reality show land!
I have about 42 'million dollar ideas' floating around inside my head. Coming up with concepts is easy for me. Following through on them is definitely not my forte. Probably because most of them result from a day spent with my head in the clouds.
Logan goes to Vermont in exactly one month. Ok, maybe a month and 2 days or so. I can't believe the year has passed, and summer has rolled around again. What am I going to do with all my free time this summer? Scary thought! I have all kinds of hopes and dreams of productivity. We shall see :)

Thoughts on Single Mother's Day...

2009-05-10T19:25:00.007-04:00

This is the kind of Mother's Day I've always fantasized about:

(except I'd have a WAY cooler comforter)

This is the kind of Mother's Day I typically have:

Today I was thinking about what I would say for my Mother's Day blog. My initial thought was to talk about how much Mother's Day sucks as a single mom. How, for me, Mother's Day ranks right up there with Valentine's Day. How I have never gotten to sleep in on a Mother's Day, never had anyone make me breakfast or take me to brunch. How while others moms are being doted on, I'm cleaning up messes, doing laundry, making dinner, blah blah blah. Usually I hate Mother's Day with a red hot passion of a thousand burning suns. It's a blatant reminder of what a misfit I am in the "norm" of society.

This year Mother's Day has been markedly different for me. It started with Logan bringing home some things he'd made at school, like every year. But this time, his little gifts actually made me all teary eyed and sniffly.

Here you'll see a card and bookmark.
It's important to note the musical stickers.

Then I got this gift, which is one of those sunlight catcher thingies :)
It's important to note that this is in the shape of a microphone.

It was amazing and touching to me that Logan is growing up enough to really start to know who I am outside of being his mom. He understands what a big part of my life music is, and how much I enjoy being able to sing. I feel so blessed to have such a thoughtful child who is so aware of what goes on around him.

Yesterday, I had a great day with the family, spending the afternoon at the park with the kids and puppies, and having some burgers on the grill. We enjoyed the sunshine, each other and it was a perfect way to spend a Saturday afternoon.

Today - Mother's Day - I was fortunate enough to be at Crosspoint. Awesome day of worship with even awesomer friends. SOMEONE (who Logan referred to as 'that guy who helps clean up after church') was kind enough to slip Logan a $20 so he could take me out for a Mother's Day lunch, and I don't think he could have been any more excited to do this for me. What a blessing, not only for me - but for Logan - who was just so thrilled to be able to do something so grown up. He happily informed me that he would pay for my lunch, but that I would need to try to keep it under $20. Mr. Scott made sure to point out that after learning this valuable life lesson, he's pretty much ready to date :) While waiting for lunch, SOMEONE ELSE tried to slip Logan money to pay for it, but my honest little boy was proud to inform him that he already had a $20. We had a great, leisurely lunch with some of the best friends ever and people I consider to be my family. Once we got home, Logan couldn't wait for my last Mothers Day "gift" - washing my car.

I'm pretty sure that this day could not have been any better. In fact, it's probably the first Mother's Day in 8 years that I haven't wanted to hole up in a dark room listening to sad music and covering my head with my pillow. I have enjoyed every last second of it, and it's because I realized this weekend that Mother's Day may be a commercialized, Hallmark holiday that seems to be about bestowing extravagant gifts upon Mom and waiting on her hand and foot...but the real gift is the fact that God is allowing me to take the wildest and most rewarding journey of my life as a Mother. By typical standards, I went about it in a backwards way perhaps...but even so, I have been blessed with the responsiblity of raising and molding this little person. Logan's presence in my life has been earth shattering, heart wrenching, awe inspiring, deep inside my bones exhausting, thrilling, exciting, terrifying and ultimately miraculous. So, on a day where moms everywhere are being celebrated, I celebrate a God who has trusted this child to my care and am grateful for the chance I have to lead my little boy down a path of faith, virtue and goodness.

And I celebrate each and every person who played a part in making this a fabulous, not at all depressing Mother's Day. You know who you are, and I cannot express my gratitude enough for your presence in my life, and the life of my son.

You have a baby...in a job interview...

2009-05-05T14:46:00.003-04:00

I feel pretty fortunate in today's economy to HAVE a job. So it surprises me to watch how other people conduct themselves during the application/interview/orientation process. In my job, I have the privilege of hiring individuals - and I am constantly surprised at what people think is actually acceptable behavior.

The following is a list I have been compiling in my head for awhile on things you SHOULD do if you DO NOT want to be hired. (Especially at my company)

Show up with your baby. This is a really good idea, as every office needs a crying child, a rambunctious toddler or a stressed out mother shouting at her child to sit still.
Show up with your Mom, Dad, Sister, Brother, Boyfriend, Grandmother, Personal Trainer, Dog, Bus Driver, favorite Walmart cashier... There is nothing that screams professional like bringing along someone to sit there and stare at the wall while you complete an application.
Wear curlers. This is a good idea for obvious reasons. Every employer NEEDS to know what you look like straight outta bed. Right?
Wear slippers. Again, a great idea for the above reasons. We wouldn't want to assume you are put together, responsible and take pride in your appearance. That'd be silly.
Talk on your cell phone while you fill out the application. For even better results, talk dirty to someone on the other end. It's a good idea for the prospective employer to REALLY get to know who you are.
Blatantly ignore all of the requirements listed on the front page of the application. We were just kidding when we said you needed to be over the age of 21, have a valid driver license and pass a criminal background check. Even if you were just arrested for assault, go ahead and fill that application out anyway. There's no way we really mean what we say.
Show up late for your interview. Be insulted and offended if the recruiter can't interview you because she has another interview or meeting to be at. It's not YOUR fault you overslept or took the wrong exit.
Show up late for orientation. Then show up late for subsequent training sessions. When we stress the importance of punctuality, you can ignore that. Clearly we're just jokin with ya!
Steal or lie. Then yell and scream curse words at the employer. Threaten their very lives.
Wear your best clubbing outfits. We love to see your cleavage, 6 inch stilletos, and short skirts - nothing says "Loves to work with seniors" more than that!
If your best clubbing outfit is dirty, throw on a pair of jeans. Flip flops are an especially nice touch.
Get lost on the way to the office. Call for directions. Hang up. Call back for clarification on directions. Ask if the person answering the phone knows where you are. Tell her that you are at a stop sign, near a McDonald's and that you see lots of construction. You can even tell her you are near a brick building. Repeat 14 times before you GET to the office.
Wear a t shirt with an offensive statement on the front. This shows us that you are a warm, caring and sympathetic individual who will most assuredly work well with our vulnerable, conservative older clientele.
During your interview, make sure to give lots of personal information about your last divorce, first husband, baby daddy (or daddies) or the falling out you had with your daughter.
When asked why you are interested in the position, tell the interviewer you just need extra money. This helps us feel VERY confident in your motives.
Please mispronounce words. This is especially important as it shows us you have no idea what you're talking about. It's really impressive if you mispronounce words that directly relate to the industry you are applying to. Hearing about your experience with Oltimer's makes me want to hire you on the spot!
Fail the drug screening. When informed that you failed, act surprised and shout, "IEATALOTTAPOPPYSEEDS" or blame the positive result on your wife/boyfriend/sister/friend who smokes a lot of pot and sits right next to you while doing so.
When you listen to the recruiter's voicemail message, make sure to do exactly what it tells you not to do. Acknowledge that you heard it, and know you're not supposed to but that you thought you would anyway. This shows us you are ready and willing to follow directions!

I think that by following these simple rules, you will guarantee a spot in the rejection letter mailing list. You can thank me later by calling to harrass me about why an offer for employment was not extended. Good Luck!

Thinking is hazardous to your health...

2009-04-19T18:55:00.003-04:00

There are pros and cons to living alone with an 8 year old. I won't bore you with the details, but I will say that being the only adult in a household leaves a lot of time for thinking. I spend a lot of time alone, pondering events of the day, the month, the year...my LIFE...sometimes all that thinking can really exhaust a girl.

(Side note: Hey God, how come thinking doesn't burn calories??)

Here's the other thing (person) who really gets me thinking. Jimmy Wade. You should check out his blog(www.jimmyincharlotte.blogspot.com) Anyway, Jimmy's my Pastor and today at church he continued dissecting the book of James. I gotta admit, when Jimmy announced awhile back that we'd be studying James I kiiiind of thought I'd be falling asleep. I mean, honestly - I'm pretty sure if you were reading the bible and sneezed you'd probably accidentally skip right over James. But apparently Jimmy kind of knows his stuff, because I've been pretty enraptured every Sunday. Turns out there's a whole lotta relevant stuff in that book. I guess that's why Jimmy's the Pastor, and I sit in the seats and listen. Anyway - today Jimmy discussed the passage where James says, "Look - you're gonna want all of these things in life. Some of them you will get, some of them you won't. And it's going to make you really mad when you don't get certain things. And it's probably because you're not consulting God about these desires to make sure He's cool with it. But, on the off chance you ARE talking to God about it, it's probably because what you desire is selfish and maybe you want it for the wrong reasons."

Ok...what?

That's a lot to swallow. All this is followed with a verse that says God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble. So I was sitting there, scratching my head thinking - well, really none of that adds up in my head. Because there are a lot of crappy people in the world rising to the top. Good things fall upon them wherever they go. I know you know someone like this - I sure do. I was struggling with this concept when the thought occurred to me...ok, so that's not necessarily favor from God. Right?? Getting favor from the "world" is CLEARLY going to be different than getting favor from God. And that's really about as far as I got in this whole thought process - because that in and of itself is going to require a lot of pondering. Seeing people who are seemingly "blessed" with successes they don't deserve...all this time I wonder, why is God blessing those people? Why do they have so much?

What if the real "favor" and "blessing" comes much, much later...

Well, shoot. Of course it does.

All My Delight

2009-03-30T10:33:00.003-04:00

Today I read Mark 1:40-45. This is where the leper approaches Jesus with faith that Jesus can heal him and make him clean again, and Jesus does. He takes away the man's disease and makes him whole.

WOW.

I have struggles, issues...things I deal with on a consistent basis that interrupt my walk with Christ. We all do, it's human nature. But I realized how much I rely on my own strength to get through those moments secretly knowing that I can't. I excuse it, because - well, I'm only human. I'm trying to cheat the system. In those moments of darkness, when sin is creeping into my life - where I am turning? Am I fully surrendering to God and asking him to help and to heal me? Or am I allowing myself to fall into the same traps over and over again because it's easier and the path of least resistance. Change is hard - it's SO hard. And admitting that I cannot fight these battles alone - that my own strength is simply NOT enough is something I've been unable to fully do. There's no cheating God's system - it's a perfect system! He knows we can't do it alone, and He's waiting for us to turn towards him in complete and full surrender.

On my way to work this morning, I was rocking out to a little Hillsong United and enjoying the sunshine that has finally arrived - and the phrase "All my delight is in you Lord" stopped me dead in my tracks. Well, I was driving so that's not exactly what happened, but I stopped singing along and thought about that phrase. ALL MY DELIGHT??? ALL OF IT? That's a pretty bold statement. I mean, sure I have delight in the Lord on Sundays when I get to sing on stage with the band and when I know the people of Crosspoint are worshipping along side of us. I delight in the Lord on Wednesday nights at my Small Group when I'm surrounded by friends. I delight in Him on Thursday nights when I'm rehearsing with the band and we're singing His praise. I delight in Him when the weather is sunny and warm and I feel happy. But is ALL of my delight in Him? I'd be lying if I said it were. Am I delighting in Him when I feel broken and confused? Do I delight in Him when I see no end in sight to my single parenting journey? Or when I sit down in my office at work and complain with my coworkers about the company...you see where I'm going with this. I started thinking about where my delight comes from. What are the things that I seek out to make me happy? We live in a world of immediate gratification, temporary fixes, band aids, and enough "medication" to numb even the most painful emotions.

A few weeks ago, after I posted my blog, a friend of mine asked me why I would blog about that stuff and post it for everyone to read. It was an off handed comment that really got me thinking...because it never occured to me NOT to post it. In fact, I found it completely strange that anyone would even ask that question. When you're excited about something - really really excited - don't you want to tell your friends about that? If the absolute best thing in the entire world just happened to you - I don't know, maybe you won a million dollars - wouldn't you share that information excitedly with everyone? So if all of our delight is supposed to be in the Lord WHY would I not be just as excited about my interactions with Him? Of course I'm excited! Of course I'm going to shout it (or blog it) as loudly as I can! Every day we are given blessings by the Lord - every.single.day. It's true - EVERY day you experience His love, and yet so many of us keep that to ourselves. We don't share it, we don't talk about our journeys, our struggles, our triumphs. In developing true community, true and authentic relationships...that's exactly what we NEED to do! For years I struggled with recognizing God's presence in my life. I had no idea what it might look like, feel like, be like - and hearing other people's stories of their relationship with God always pushed me to keep searching for that. If it was possible for someone else, it surely would be possible for me. And I feel like I'm coming to a point in my life where I AM recognizing it, and that's absolutely a result of developing honest, true and authentic relationships with genuine yet broken people who relentlessly pursue Christ and are not ashamed of talking openly about it. So today I prayed to God that I get through THIS very day delighting in Him and only Him. That my mind and heart will remain pure and open and I will be focused on Him. I will continue to strive to delight in Him, and I'll probably continue to blog about it too ;)

Awesome...

2009-03-16T17:30:00.004-04:00

On my somewhat new-ish journey in Christianity, I hear certain terms and phrases thrown around that frustrate the living you know what right out of me. :) I'm a very tactile person, and this vague concept or idea that God listens to me and provides for my needs even if they're not exactly what I think I need pretty much drives me nuts. I would pray for things and never EVER feel like God was giving me direction. I felt like I was praying into the universe and sometimes I really thought this had to be some kind of serious joke. Like someone, someday would find out the whole Christianity thing had been made up, and it was the longest running joke ever.

While it may seem kind of funny, I can promise you I was beyond frustrated. I was angry. If God was a loving Father, why so much mystery? Why so much quiet? Why so much WAITING? I mean heck, if Logan asked me a question I'm sure not going to wait until next month to give him my answer. But honestly, for the last year or so I kept persevering. I kept begging God to open my heart to Him...that I KNEW He MUST be listening to me, and providing for me, or leading me down certain paths and that I was very saddened that for whatever reason, I just could not see it. I wanted to KNOW without a shadow of a doubt, but I had SO.MANY.DOUBTS. And I felt like with a heart that felt hardened at times, and with a mind full of doubts it surely would be impossible for Him to reach me, no matter how much I wanted it.

But I sit here today feeling VERY sure that God listens and provides for me. I have no doubt that God led me to the church I attend, Crosspoint - because the people and friendships I've met and made have changed and saved my life. I know that sounds dramatic, but take it from the girl who was at rock bottom for the 42nd time. Meeting a family of people who never judged, always loved and accepted and gently prodded me towards Christ...well, it really did change who I am and how I view the world, Christianity included. Time and time again I'm amazed at the people I am fortunate enough to call friends, and am so grateful for their presence in my life - for their acceptance of my past, my mistakes - for their interest in my son and their willingness to love him and care for him and gently prod him down a path towards Christ as well.

Today, our management and ownership team sat down with all of us from work and informed us that we would all be receiving a mandatory pay cut. We had 2 options - a 10% salary reduction or a 20% salary reduction and one day off a week. At first I was just really relieved that they weren't letting any more people go. The reality of it didn't set in until a little later in the day - and then I began to freak out. I already live week to week - I'm pretty much the sole provider for a family (albeit a tiny one), and I stretch as much as I can. I could see no way that a 10% reduction in pay would not dramatically impact my life for the worse. Not worse as in less cushy fun stuff...worse as in, I may not be able to pay my rent for April, as the pay cut is effective immediately. I became really anxious and stressed out. My mind was reeling with all of the possible implications. I wasn't sure which option would be best...would I save in daycare and gas costs by taking the day off with a 20% cut, or would working my normal schedule and taking the 10% reduction be the best option. Should I look for a p/t job on that 1 day a week off? In the midst of all this freaking out and panicking, I stopped myself and reminded myself to give thanks to God that I still had a job when so many do not. I asked God to help calm my fears and to show me how best to work with what I have.

I still was freaking out. I'm not going to lie. But throughout the day, I just kept taking deep breaths and asking God to guide me to the best decision for my life. I asked him over and over to calm my fears and bring me peace. My sister sent me the following thoughts from the devotional she'd read that day, "You have Me on your side, so what are you worried about? I can equip you to do absolutely anything, as long as it is My will. The more difficult your day, the more I yearn to help you. Anxiety wraps you up in yourself, trapping you in your own thoughts. When you look to Me and whisper My Name, you break free and receive My help. Focus on Me, you will find Peace in My Presence."

How awesome is that? And how true? Now for the good part...

My boss had asked me earlier in the day if I would talk to them about my decision. I said I needed more time to think about it (and to collect myself as I knew I would most definitely break down in a big puddle of tears over it). But near the end of the day, they pulled me aside, and although I tried once again to put it off until tomorrow they insisted they speak with me. Inside my manager's office, they explained the reasoning behind the pay reductions, how they were trying to save jobs and not have to lay people off...all of the reasoning I know and understand...and then they said they knew that there were different dynamics in the office and that this would be especially hard on me as a single Mom. That they would like to propose that I have NO reduction in pay, but be willing to take on 2 nights a week as the on call phone supervisor for the office. What this will require is for me to have a work cell phone twice a week that people call after hours if they have questions or emergencies they need addressed immediately. I've done it before, but gave it up because it was difficult to do and still feel like I was devoting enough time and attention to Logan. So while it is not the most ideal situation, it is an ENORMOUS blessing for my life. I gladly jumped at their proposal - taking on extra work but keeping my salary the same...probably a few months ago I would have been very upset over such a "proposal" This time around though, I had a much different perspective.

I am fortunate and blessed - and although things are not easy for me, and although my job is demanding and I am seriously underpaid (ha...) I am SO blessed to have it. This was a HUGE answer to a prayer...and one that happened FAST. (Thanks to God, for not testing my faith out for the next few months on this one...) :) I left the office feeling like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders - and was reminded once again, that God does answer prayers. That He does listen - and although everytime may not turn out just like this particular one...He has a plan for us and if we trust enough, over time that plan will be revealed to us.

If you've hung in there long enough to read this whole thing, someone must be paying you...

Seriously though - as I drove home, feeling simultaneously exhilarated and emotionally exhausted, the words to a song kept floating through my head. I could never have found the words to express my gratitude and amazement - but this seems to sum up my feelings and thoughts exactly...as only Hillsong United knows how!

What can I say
What can I do
But offer this heart O God
Completely to You

So I'll stand
With arms high and heart abandoned
In awe of the One who gave it all

Psssssssst...

2009-03-01T16:49:00.001-05:00

God listens. :)

MARK THIS!

2009-02-27T16:06:00.005-05:00

It is with mixed emotions and 25 minutes left of my work day that I write this blog...

I have the keys to my new crib.

I'm simultaneously excited and petrified to move - but I know it will be nice to have a cute little house to come home to, the ability to unpack ALL my boxes of stuff and live out of more than 1 room! Yaaaay! So I think it's for the best, even if Logan is already arguing with me about taking the big bedroom. This in and of itself is funny for a few reasons - most notably because the house is TINY and neither bedroom is big at all. I had to whip out my most stern Mom voice and inform him that when he gets a job and pays the bills, he can choose his own bedroom.

So that's a pretty big milestone, but perhaps an even bigger milestone is that I celebrated my one year anniversary at my job this week.

(waits for applause to die down)

This is huge for a girl who never stays put much longer than 6 months. I look back at the past year and am shocked to realize I've had the same mailing address AND job since the beginning of the year. Two thumbs up for continuity - even if it gives me panic attacks. I'm working on it.

There's no avoiding this...

2009-02-24T15:25:00.002-05:00

Ok loyal readers. I've tried to avoid really digging in and letting you inside my head but honestly, it's too hard. I have too many mental roadblocks when trying to blog from a secular, neutral, unbiased place. And that's not really me. If you know me well, you know I enjoy debate, talks about life and discussions on God. (cue music: Tell me all your thoughts on God...)

So my apologies, but I gotta be myself here.

The past few days have been really rough for me. I'm not even exactly sure why. I know the economy sucks, and I have so many friends who have been laid off - I am so fortunate to even have the job that I have. Going further, I'm fortunate to have a place to live that is warm and comfortable. I have a car to drive that gets me to work and back and even allows for some fun trips in between all that. I have clothes to wear, groceries to eat, a fun little cell phone to text message on and some other piddly little gadgets to play with. It probably appears that I have much to be thankful for. AND I DO. Don't get me wrong - while I may not live in the lap of luxury, I'm not destitute or homeless. My child is not going hungry every night and we're not sleeping in our car. America is a blessed land, even with the current economic crisis. And while people are losing jobs, many are still able to have basic needs met and that is SO much more than we can say for those in other countries. Let's be honest, we are rich. We are. So why have I been so down? Why do I feel such a lack of gratitude?

It seems that my brain has gone on strike. It's not participating in my life these days, so I'd like a refund. There are SO many things I want to do in my life, so many obstacles I'd like to overcome, goals I'd like to attain. But holy roadblocks, Batman. If it's not one thing, it's another. I know you all understand - I know it's not just me running headfirst into those glass doors hiding around every corner. Lately, it's all I can do to get myself and Logan out the door. I trudge through the day feeling exhausted and sad, and just wait until I can drive home. I wander around grocery stores feeling distracted and unhappy, so absolutely tired from just living my life. It seems parenthood wasn't really designed for one person to shoulder the burden. Go figure. It seems God has this perfect design that includes TWO people to bear the responsibility of raising a little one. And dammit if that doesn't make me pissed off at myself for making poor choices in my past. But here I am with an incredible, beautiful, amazing son who requires and demands SO MUCH of me. As well he should...he's just your normal 8 year old boy wanting to live an 8 year old boy life. But sometimes, my brain can't handle it. Sometimes my body can't handle it. And most of the time, my heart can't handle it. So I wonder if this is going to be my life? Trudging through the day, exhausted and confused - aggravated at all the roadblocks, begging for just one day to be stress free? I wonder if I'll be the one responsible for the decision making, money earning, child raising stuff EVERY.DAY.FOR.THE.REST.OF.MY.LIFE?

I believe God meant for there to be a whole and complete family unit. I really do. I know that my choices led me to be living in the midst of a broken one. I understand that. And I also comprehend on many levels that for a single mama, I'm doing ok. I have more than some. But if you would have shown me this life 10 years ago I wouldn't have believed I would be living it.

Amidst the turmoil, the stress and the tears I do find joy in Logan every single day. I do not wish for a second to change my past, because his presence in my life is an absolute blessing. I don't have regrets about where I've been or what I've done. What I'm trying to figure out really, is how to relentlessly pursue a God that will bring me peace. And that happens to be a fight every step of the way. There are a lot of voices in my head bringing me down! (Meds, anyone?) But seriously, as with seemingly everything else in my life - my path to being a Christ follower is one step forward and two steps back. Something's gotta give, yo. I mean it. My little head (ok it's kind of a big head) can't take much more of it. And my conscience can't take much more of me feeling sorry for myself.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

2009-02-22T14:37:00.003-05:00

I just needed to get that off my chest.

Thanks for listening. :)

My Life Notes

2009-02-09T22:35:00.002-05:00

In preparation for my upcoming move, I pulled out my notebook to put my new monthly budget down on paper and figure out expenses in the next few weeks, etc. I opened up the notes part, and noticed Logan's handwriting. He had written:

My Life Notes
Get good grades in college.

HAHAHAHAHA. I guess I've drilled something valuable into that kid's head. I totally melted - what a precious little moment and insight into my son's goals. Now of course, I just hope that he continues to place value in going to college and getting good grades!

Chivalry really IS dead

2009-02-08T20:02:00.002-05:00

Today I told Logan that by helping me do certain things, I was teaching him chivalry.

His response?

Seems more like slavery.

I'm sorry, WHAT? Hahahaha. Drama, drama, drama.

She works hard for the money...

2009-02-04T14:10:00.003-05:00

This is me, buried in personnel files.

My boss keeps parading Administrative Assistant candidates in and out of the office for interview after interview...but have we hired one? UGH. Look, can she answer the phone and alphabetize? Because that's all I care about.

In other news...

This morning I was up, showered, dressed and was in the process of getting Logan up and dressed when I overheard the radio announce that school was closed. Oh COME ON.

Happy Snow Day...(again)

(Picture from last night's snowfall)

Me being the cocky Yankee that I am, flounced out to start my car and almost bit it in the driveway. Darn black ice. It was chaos on the back little neighborhood-y roads too - people sliding off into ditches. But - don't cry for me Argentina, I made it to work just fine.

Typealyzer

2009-02-04T13:29:00.002-05:00

So a friend of mine clued me into this fun, yet probably pointless site...

www.typealyzer.com

You put in your blog address and it "analyzes" your blog writings. Here's my analysis, and it is freakily (is that a word?) accurate.

ESFP - The Performers

The entertaining and friendly type. They are especially attuned to pleasure and beauty and like to fill their surroundings with soft fabrics, bright colors and sweet smells. They live in the present moment and don´t like to plan ahead - they are always in risk of exhausting themselves. The enjoy work that makes them able to help other people in a concrete and visible way. They tend to avoid conflicts and rarely initiate confrontation - qualities that can make it hard for them in management positions.

Do yours!

Uh...sunshine?

2009-02-01T09:04:00.003-05:00

Where aaaaaaaaare you?

Do we not live in the South? You know, the Southern part of the country where the weather is supposed to be warm and sunny all the time?

This freezing cold weather is starting to irk me.

Just sayin...

Yep. It's Mirandomness time.

2009-01-31T22:39:00.000-05:00

I think I need one of those voice digital recorder things...I'm sure there's a fancy and more accurate name for what they are, but frankly I am tired and don't feel like googling it. Near the end of last week, all these thoughts kept popping into my head for things to blog about. But here it is, Saturday night and I'm having a hard time remembering what they are. So bear with me...

- I'm really, really fortunate to have a smart child. No, I really am. Sometimes as I am dropping my son off at school, I feel like I am a total fraud. We're usually squealing into the drop off lane with literally seconds to spare and Logan is finishing his juice box or something right before they open the car door. I consider it a GREAT accomplishment if I remembered to sign his "agenda" and a milestone if I've returned paperwork/homework/special projects/field trip permission slips/book orders on time. I'm talking MONUMENTAL, people. Single parenthood is like being perched precariously on the tippy tippy top of some slowly crumbling mountainside. Luckily I've been able to claw at branches on my way down and am hanging on for dear life, but I'm terribly fearful that the branch will give way or that there will be nothing left for me to cling to if I keep falling. But I digress...Logan brought home his report card on Friday. WAY to GO little dude! Above average in just about everything - with not much help from me, honestly. He's such a good kid (albeit rather uh...energetic...these days) and I am more than blessed to have him in my corner.

- Recent news headline that caught my attention - Single Mother of 6 gives birth to octuplets.
That one really needs no follow up or explanation. But really?
Double U - Tee - Eff Lady!

- I thought working out was supposed to give you more energy. That's a big load of bull. I've been working out 1-2 hours a day 4-5 times a week, and I want to die. I'm so tired that last night I feel asleep around 8:45. ON A FRIDAY NIGHT.

- What defines addiction? Anyone have any thoughts on this? I'm really curious.

- I was driving today, admiring my fingernails that have been painted black just to bring out my emo side, when I realized how freeing it was to give JL the big heave ho. I have loved him for 10 ish years, in spite of the judgment and mockery. It's been a bit heavenly to wear skull tee shirts, get more tattoos, pierce my nose, change my hair (a lot), paint my nails black, and be myself without the mocking undertones of discussion around each one of those events. Ahhhh, self...meet yourself. It's lovely, isn't it?

PS...it's about 11pm, and I've had to edit this about 42 times since I posted it due to various typos and grammatical errors. You may recall that I am EXHAUSTED all the time (I blame the YMCA) so I apologize if I've overlooked any others.

Oh the cruelty...

2009-01-31T22:06:00.001-05:00

My family members have taken to posting old pictures of me on Facebook. A few of them have been a little embarrassing, but this one just makes me sad. Anyone know where a girl can get a good deal on some hair extensions??

I was about to comment that I can't figure out why in the world I'd ever cut off such beautiful hair, until I remembered that I donated it to Locks of Love...and I guess that's a pretty good reason.

But still. It makes me sad. *sniff*

PS...

2009-01-27T15:00:00.000-05:00

I'm moving! I took the teeny tiny house.

Next up on the being stable and domestic attempt list:

A puppy.

And then I probably should figure out how to cook without a microwave...

Be Kind, Rewind...

2009-01-27T14:19:00.000-05:00

Remember when I said I was justatinylittlebit over my job?

I was just kidding!

In all seriousness, I heard this information on the radio this morning I was driving to work: That approximately 60,000 job cuts are about to happen across the nation in companies like Home Depot, Sprint Nextel and Caterpillar Inc. In all honesty, I haven't been affected much if at all by the economy. My job is stable, my company is doing decently well and I'm living life pretty much how I've always lived it. (Maybe even a little better!) But people around me are being affected and it's starting to hit me how fortunate I am. I was never interested in the Senior Care industry or even in Health Care really - I stumbled into this job, and at times like this I feel very, very fortunate. Because I'm not going anywhere anytime soon unless I do something completely foolish and am asked to leave. (Like blogging about my job while ON the job...oops)

So let me retract my ungrateful statement and just put it out there that I am extremely happy to be working in this field and in a position that I am generally content to be in.

Static

2009-01-27T08:59:00.001-05:00

This morning on the way to school, Logan was talking to me about being forgetful.

He said, "It's like my brain is a TV and the cable goes out"

HAHAHAHAHA.

If that's not the most accurate analogy for what goes on in MY head most of the time, I don't know what is. Sounds like I may have passed that down the gene pool...

Did I mention I'm ADHD?

2009-01-26T22:15:00.000-05:00

I have new hair. Again. I decided it'd be fun to look at the many different hairstyles of Miranda over the past few years. :) Yes, I realize this is absolutely ridiculous...because this isn't even ALL the different hairstyles. I have issues.

It almost makes me miss my blonde hair. For those of you who wonder, I AM actually a natural blonde and decided it'd be more fun to be a brunette. Let me assure you, blondes DO have more fun. I'm easing my way back into my blondeness...

"What" is a four letter word.

2009-01-26T21:35:00.000-05:00

Today is one of those days I just scratch my head and think, "What?"

This is why I should never accidentally watch the news. Don't get me wrong, I love knowing what's going on around me - I probably love it too much. I used to be obsessed with combing CNN and MSN for news headlines. The problem with this is I'm stuck reading article after article on truly tragic happenings. And as a semi pessimist (which is a new label for me, I've decided - I've always considered myself to be an optimist) I find that entrenching myself in tragedy basically sucks. I mean, I'm the girl having a panic attack under the overpass because I'm positive it's about to collapse on my car and bury me alive. Someone like me has no business reading about those events actually HAPPENING or how innocent children are being tortured and abused. And I'm a fixer in my heart - I have grand thoughts on making a difference in the world, about changing people from the inside out, about rescuing victims from their abusers. But at some point, it's just plain overwhelming. I begin to lose faith in humanity - I can't understand the reasons. I wrestle with my spirituality and my faith in God.

OK - pause. I know God never promised us a rainbow filled and cotton candy existence. I know struggle and opposition are part of the plan. But tell me it's not hard to doubt God when you read about a toddler who was murdered by her own mother. It leaves me feeling dark and wondering why - and wondering what. Seriously, WHAT is this all about? What is any of it about? How does one remain optimistic in the midst of pure chaos?

All right, let's move on from the depression.

I'm over my job justatinylittlebit. I love Human Resources - I love my coworkers, and I'm freakin fortunate to have fallen into a recession proof industry. But let's face it - I'm completely burnt out. I run the entire HR department...because I AM the entire HR department. This definitely has its perks, don't get me wrong - but the recipe for the employee that I'm trying to find is IMPOSSIBLE. There are lofty (and that's an understatement) goals to reach this year and I'm feeling overwhelmed. So besides work and Zumba kicking my ass, the good news is that the adorable little mini house in Indian Trail is mine for the taking if I so wish. Indulge me please, and look how perfect it would be for my mini family.

So I'm figuring out some final details to see if it will be a good fit for me for the next few years - we shall see!

In other news - anyone know where a girl can blog anonymously?? Hehehe. I have stuff to say!

We had a snow day!

2009-01-22T11:09:00.000-05:00

I can't very well begin my blog without at least ONE picture of Logan enjoying the snow we got here at the beginning of the week. He was so excited to have a tiny bit of snow to play in - and by play I mean scrape off my car. Personally, I hate the snow with a red hot passion of a thousand burning suns and could be happy if I never saw it again in my life. (Possible side effect from living with 6 months of winter in Vermont for 25 years of my life??) Regardless, I attempted to be not SO much of a "snow grump" so I wouldn't burst his happy bubble of cold weather...

It has been SO cold here (No, not as cold as Vermont, I'm aware...) and I've realized how much of a sunshine girl I am. Thoughts of moving home to Vermont are fading quickly as the temperatures here begin to drop. I forget how much snow and ice make me CRANKY. Here's a picture of my feet in front of my space heater at work. I really use one! Even in the summer!

This week has been nutty crazy - snow days, and school delays, coming face to face with some issues from my past, house/apartment hunting, punching out my aggression in Zumba classes, telling an ex to TAKE A HIKE (THAT felt great!) and basically just trying to keep my head above water. At the end of December I was so excited for January 2009 to arrive because I just knew it was going to be the start of a great year. So far it's been a WEIRD year, but I'm still holding out hope for goodness.

Beautiful Boy

2009-01-07T20:09:00.000-05:00

Before you go to sleep,
Say a little prayer,
Every day in every way,
It's getting better and better,

Beautiful,
Beautiful, beautiful,
Beautiful Boy,

Out on the ocean sailing away,
I can hardly wait,
To see you to come of age,
But I guess we'll both,
Just have to be patient,
Yes it's a long way to go,
But in the meantime,

Before you cross the street,
Take my hand,
Life is just what happens to you,
While your busy making other plans

~John Lennon

My beautiful boy turned 8 on January 1st, and yes I'm almost a full week late posting about it.

I have always laughed at those who wonder where time has gone, but I am now that person. How did my 8 lb, 5 oz bundle of chubby wrinkles turn into this tall and lanky boy? Replacing the pull ups are boxer briefs. Bob the Builder has been abandoned in favor of Tony Hawk. "Little Boy" haircuts became a thing of the past once the mohawk was discovered, the iPod triumphs over Disney CD's, and I'm left wondering where time has gone.

I almost can't see the chubby little baby that used to be, in the mischievous grin that is. I remember holding you for the first time in my arms after a tumultuous pregnancy. I remember months of sleepless nights, and how it felt leaving you at daycare for the first time. I remember what a nightmare it was to potty train you, and how you almost burned our apartment down when you were 3. I remember your nail polish mural painting at 4am, and I remember your ability to write your name in permanent marker on EVERY SINGLE SURFACE. I remember sending you off to kindergarten, and how you told me loudly that it was time for me to leave. You were and are so independent in so many ways and I am constantly amazed at your witty sense of humor and sarcasm, your genuine love for learning and your desire to know God.

The innocence of childhood flees so quickly and unexpectedly and I pray that you hold on to yours as long as you can. I pray for you to be steadfast and patient, to seek truth and light, to show kindness to those around you and to always strive for more. You are such an amazing addition to my life, and have taught me so very much about unconditional love.

Happy 8th Birthday, Beautiful Boy!

Small Moments

2008-09-28T04:37:00.000-04:00

Life's a funny thing.

What's it all about, anyway? I mean really - I spend a fair amount of time attempting to just make it through a day, stumbling about and hoping I don't do anything terribly idiotic.

*waits for laughter to die down* (I know, I'm always doing something terribly idiotic)

Life seems to be this chain of events - this compilation of small moments really - and in each small moment lies our greater purpose. Today I had the pleasure of babysitting my nieces. I was tired. Really, really tired. The one thing about children is that it seems they are never tired. They are full of energy, excitement, imagination and if you are going to spend any time with them, you better be full of it too. It's so tempting to get frustrated with the noise and the messes and the constant questions. After Ella woke up from her nap, I sat in the rocking chair with her for almost an hour. It was quiet and peaceful and as I rocked there with her I wanted to just savor it. I closed my eyes and said a little prayer. I asked God to help me live in the moment. We spend so much time running and thinking about tomorrow that living in the moment seems impossible. But if you are able to slow down a little bit, you experience life in all its splendor.

Logan and I had a little Mommy/Son outing tonight. I call it "Little Man time". Just me and little man, having quality one on one time together. We went searching for the perfect toy, and then had dinner out, a yummy dessert and then off for a little more shopping. By the time we left the last store, it was late and dark out and I was ready to get home. The weather was perfect tonight - a beautiful fall evening. Just outside the doors, you could still hear the music from inside. Something apparently struck a mood in Logan, because he suddenly began to dance right there on the sidewalk. Impatiently, I grabbed for his hand so we could cross the parking lot, but he just grinned at me and continued dancing. Again, I impatiently attempted to grab his hand and looked around for cars. And again, he grinned at me and and flailed around a little more. He looked ridiculous, I'm not gonna lie. I started to laugh, which made him start to laugh. A car drove by and 2 women stared out their windows at the flailing child and hysterical mother. That made me laugh even more - and what else could I do at this point, but join in? So there we were, Mommy and Son dancing (flailing) our way across the parking lot in the dark all the way to our car. It was completely and utterly ridiculous.

But small moments create great big memories and bonding moments that I truly believe are vital to human beings. It's crucial that we live in the moment, and when we do, we learn to love each other in a more real and intense way. Spending an hour rocking in the rocking chair with my niece could have been time well spent doing other things. Dancing across a store parking lot probably was pretty idiotic looking. Ok, who am I kidding...there is no probably. It was definitely idiotic looking. But I'm positive those moments leave lasting impressions - especially on me. And as life continues to crash on around me, those small moments and lasting impressions just so happen to rock my world.